Walking Through Forgiveness

Is there someone in your life who still stirs up bitterness, resentment, or even toxic anger whenever you think about them? Maybe you catch yourself ruminating over past offenses, imagining how you’d get back at them, or feeling easily triggered whenever their name comes up. These are signs that something unresolved still lives inside you—and often, the key to healing isn’t found in holding on, but in letting go. Forgiveness may not come naturally, especially when the hurt runs deep, but it’s one of the most powerful tools for emotional freedom and inner peace. While forgiveness can be challenging, it doesn’t mean forgetting, excusing, or reconciling with the person who hurt you. Rather, it’s a deliberate choice to release the emotional weight that’s been keeping you stuck. Left unaddressed, unforgiveness can contribute to emotional and relational distress. But when we engage the process of forgiveness—step by step—we not only find relief from emotional pain, we reclaim our power, renew our hope, and begin to heal. This article will guide you through what forgiveness truly is and walk you through the phases that can lead you to lasting peace.
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Forgiveness Is:

• Letting go of resentment: Releasing bitterness, anger, and hatred toward someone who hurt you.
  
• A choice, not a feeling: A conscious decision to let go, regardless of how you feel in the moment.
  
• Healing for the forgiver: Frees you from emotional burdens and brings peace.
  
• Not always reconciliation: May lead to restored relationships, but sometimes requires boundaries instead.
  
• A process: It can take time and may need to be repeated when old emotions resurface.
  
• Not forgetting or excusing: You still remember the offense but choose not to let it control you.
  
• Empowering: Reclaims your emotional freedom and power over the situation.
  
• Doesn’t mean condoning: You can forgive someone while still recognizing their actions were wrong.
  
• Applies to small things too: Everyday hurts need forgiveness too before they grow into bigger issues.

Exploring Phase

Improve your understanding of what happened and how it has impacted your life. Use the prompts below to begin exploring:

• Describe the upsetting events you went through that led to resentment.
  What happened?
  
• How have these events affected you?
  
  

Decision Phase

Gain a deeper understanding of what forgiveness is, and make the decision to choose or reject forgiveness as an option. Many people struggle with the decision to forgive. Making the decision to forgive means letting go of these resentments—despite that—so you can heal.

• Without looking at a definition, how would you describe forgiveness?
  
• What are the advantages of deciding to forgive the person who wronged you?
  
• What would be the challenges of choosing to hold onto unforgiveness?
  
• Are you willing to move forward with forgiving them?

Softening Phase

Start to understand the other person in a new way, allowing a softening of feelings towards the other person. Learning to understand the other person, and to see them as more than their wrongdoing, is an important part of forgiveness. However, it must be stressed that understanding does not mean condoning. One can understand another person without believing their actions are acceptable.

1.) Respond to the following prompts about yourself:

• Have you ever done things in your life that hurt, upset, disappointed or angered another person? Briefly think of some examples.
  
• How would you like to have ideally been treated after doing those things?
  

2.) Respond to the following prompts about the other person:

• What was life like for the other person as they grew up? May this have impacted their behavior?
  
• What was life like for the other person at the time of the offense?
  
• Do you know of any situational, mental, physical, relational or spiritual challenges that could have been going on in their life?
  
• List the feelings you currently have toward the other person.
  
• Did you list any positive feelings toward the offender? If so, describe them. If not, have your negative feelings lessened at all?
  
  

Healing Phase

When we try to forgive someone, we often rely on the analytical part of our brain—trying to reason our way into letting go. But the emotional brain doesn’t always shift just because we tell it to. It’s like trying to shove a one-ton boulder out of your yard using only brute force—you end up worn out and frustrated, with the burden still in place. A better approach is to chip away at the boulder bit by bit, until it’s small enough to move. That’s what this next step is meant to help with. It guides you through a self-compassion imagery exercise that activates different parts of the brain—softening the emotional weight of the memory and making it easier to move toward forgiveness. If your experience was traumatic, it’s best to skip this exercise for now and wait to explore it with a trauma-informed therapist. Before you begin, take a moment to read through all the steps so you know what to expect. Then start with step one and move through the process at your own pace.

• Assess the Memory: Bring a picture of the upsetting event to mind. As you do, briefly notice how you feel when it’s in your awareness. On a scale from 0–10, how intense are the unpleasant emotions? If it’s above a 5, wait to do this with a therapist.
  
• See Your Past Self: Close your eyes. Take your time to picture your “past self” in that memory—right at the moment when you began to feel upset. Focus mostly on your past self, not other people in the scene. When you have a clear image of your past self, move onto the next step.
  
• Notice Thoughts and Feelings: Now, imagine your “present-day self” walking into the scene and seeing your past self in that moment. Notice what your past self was thinking and feeling.
  
• Picture Thoughts and Feelings: Now, imagine you can see those thoughts floating above the head of your “past self” as if they were pictures of words or images that represent the thoughts.  Now, imagine you can see the emotions and body sensations as a swirling ball inside the body of your “past self.”  
  
• Release Thoughts and Feelings: Imagine your present self goes up and takes the thoughts, feelings and body sensations away from your past self. Then, picture your present-day self releasing them outside—letting them float away, never to be seen again.
  
• Provide Protection: Pause and think—what kind of physical protection did your past self need in that moment? For example, did you need help asserting yourself, setting boundaries or telling someone "no?" Did you need someone to be a shield, to give you a comforting hug, or for someone to put a supportive arm around you, etc? Take your time imagining your present-day self doing that for your past self now.
  
• Offer Comforting Words: What kind of reassuring or comforting words did your past self need to hear? Take your time imagining your present-day self saying those words to them.
  
• Offer Wisdom and Guidance: What advice or encouragement did your past self need in that moment? How could you learn or grow from this experience? Imagine your present-day self sharing that wisdom with them.
  
• Forgive Yourself: Was there anything you wish you’d done differently in that memory, even if it was something small? Take your time imagining your present-day self facing your past self and saying, “I forgive you for…”
  
• Acceptance Coaching: A lack of forgiveness stems from an internal protest against reality—a mindset that says, “This is intolerable. I cannot accept that this happened. The past must change for me to be okay. They must pay for what they did in order for me to feel better.” These thoughts reflect a lack of acceptance, and they keep us emotionally stuck. When we shift from “this should not have happened” to “this did happen, and I can face it and grow stronger from here,” we begin to step into acceptance. Take your time imagining your present-day self coaching your past self in being able to make this mindset shift into acceptance.
  
• Assist Yourself in Forgiving: Imagine your present-day self saying to your past self, “Let’s forgive them together. Are you ready?” Then, imagine the two of you saying, “I forgive_____ for_______.”
  
• Prepare for Future Encounters: Is this a person you will likely run into again? If so, imagine your present-day self giving advice and encouragement to your past self in regards to how you will handle that.
  
• Reassess the Memory: Bring a picture of the upsetting event to mind. As you do, briefly notice how you feel when it’s in your awareness. On a scale from 0–10, how intense are the unpleasant emotions? Did it decrease?
  

Well done walking through this! Some people will notice the distress is completely gone, while others may find some lingering emotions. If you hold grudges towards this person for more than one thing, you may need to repeat this exercise for each grudge to fully release the emotions. You can do that now or return to it later. Either way, be proud of yourself—it takes real courage to face these emotions and take steps toward healing.
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Final Thoughts
Forgiveness isn’t easy—but it’s worth it. Carrying the weight of resentment, anger, and unresolved pain only keeps us bound to the very moments and people we wish to be free from. By walking through these phases—honestly exploring what happened, making the decision to forgive, softening your perspective, healing stuck emotions, accepting reality, and actively choosing to forgive—you create space in your heart and mind for peace, freedom, and growth. If you still feel some distress, you can always revisit this exercise later to continue healing. And if resentment is gone now, but resurfaces down the road, remember—you can return to this process anytime you need. Wherever you are in this process, take heart—you’re moving toward a lighter, freer, and stronger version of yourself.