Turning Towards Each Other

One of the most underrated yet crucial aspects to a relationship’s emotional health comes from the everyday act of “Turning Towards” your partner. At its core, turning towards means being responsive to your partner’s verbal and non-verbal attempts to connect. These attempts to connect may come during the smallest, most mundane moments while they seek for attention, affection, humor, or support. For example, imagine you’re driving past a lake and your partner spots a boat, casually remarking, “Look at that boat.” On the surface, this might seem insignificant—but it’s a small opening, an invitation to connect. In that moment, you can either turn towards them, turn away, or even turn against. Choosing to turn towards means recognizing their attempt to connect and responding with interest or warmth. For instance, you might reply, “Yeah, it looks like the one your uncle had. Remember our trip to his cabin last summer?” With this small response, you’ve successfully turned towards your partner and made them feel seen, heard and valued. Ignoring the comment (turning away), or responding with aggression or criticism (turning against) can chip away at the closeness you feel. These tiny moments of connection happen all the time. When practiced consistently, these actions create a lasting emotional closeness and help strengthen the relationship. In fact, the most powerful way to keep a relationship strong isn’t grand gestures—it’s being intentionally present in everyday interactions.

Bids for Connection

At the heart of turning towards your partner is something called a bid for connection. A bid is any verbal or non-verbal attempt a person makes to get attention, affection, support, or simply to feel noticed. It could be a random comment about the weather, a funny meme sent during the day, a sigh after a long meeting, or a quiet touch on the arm while watching TV. While these bids often seem small or ordinary on the surface, underneath each one is an unspoken question: “Will you notice me? Will you care about what I care about? Will you show me that my thoughts and feelings matter to you?” Every time your spouse makes a bid for connection, it’s a small, vulnerable invitation to draw closer. When those little bids are consistently acknowledged and responded to, they build trust, safety, and emotional intimacy over time. Couples rarely drift apart because of one big event, but because they stop noticing and responding to these everyday moments that quietly shape the emotional tone of their relationship.
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Why Turning Towards Matters
According to research, how we respond to our partner’s bids for connection can significantly impact the health and longevity of the relationship. Couples who remain happily married turn towards each other 86% of the time, compared to just 33% in couples who divorce. Turning towards your partner consistently strengthens your relationship’s core. It builds friendship with your partner, emotional connection, trust, positive feelings, empathy, physical intimacy, and more positive perceptions of each other. With more consistent gestures of ‘turning towards’ each other, the relationship’s emotional bank account can fill up more which makes it easier to navigate the withdrawals that come from stress and conflict. Even light-hearted moments—like responding with genuine interest when your partner asks, “Are we out of butter?”—become opportunities to reinforce your bond.

Turning Away or Against

Conversely, we can choose to turn away or against our partner’s bids for connection.  Turning away from our partner’s bid for connection happens when we ignore or miss them.  This often leads to disconnection. Turning against our partner’s bid for connection happens when we respond with hostility or criticism.  Doing so creates tension and erodes trust. When turning away or against becomes a pattern, it becomes difficult to keep the emotional connection alive as withdrawals continue to get made in our relationship’s emotional bank account.  When couples break up, it is less often from big instances and more often from the distance or resentment that builds from neglecting to consistently and effectively turn towards our partner.

Examples of Turning Towards

To truly grasp the power of turning towards, it’s important to recognize what it can look like when our partner makes a ‘bid for connection.’ These bids can range from joyful and affectionate to neutral or even negative. Whether your partner is cracking a joke, venting, or seeking support, they are reaching out. Some bids are clear; others are disguised by stress or frustration. But when we consistently notice and respond, we nurture our connection. Here are examples of bids of connection in everyday moments and what it can look like to simply turn towards them:

• When your partner puts more than one point in a text message, acknowledge each one to show they matter.
  
• When your partner enters the room, greet them with a smile, hello, or a gentle touch.
  
• When your partner arrives home, meet them at the door, help with their bags or offering a hug.
  
• When your partner leaves, give a warm goodbye hug and kiss.
  
• When your partner’s emotions shift, ask what they are thinking about—then listen with full attention.
  
• When your partner brings up casual comments, listen attentively and respond to what they are saying.
  
• When you are in a moment and you know your partner as a specific preference for how it could go, be intentional to deliver that to them.
  
• When your partner is too tired to tackle a task, notice that and offer help.
  
• When your partner gives even slight physical affection, reciprocate.
  
• When your partner gives a goodbye kiss, make it last a few seconds longer.
  
• When your partner is upset or overwhelmed, show up with empathy and presence.
  
• When your partner sighs, respond with concern and compassion.
  
• When your partner expresses fear, listen without minimizing it. Ask if they want you to just listen and empathize or also help in some way?
  
• When a partner needs warmth, connection or nurturing, find out how they prefer that and make it happen
  
• When a partner desires fun or adventure, find out what kind and try to make that happen
  
• When a partner expressed anger, try to listen for what their goal was and what blocked that goal. If their anger is towards you, try not to get defensive and tune in to what they are needing.
  
• When a partner wants physical intimacy, create space and time to make that happen
  
• When a partner has low energy, create opportunities to allow them rest, sleep or get them food.
  
• When you share in daily routines together, you are turning towards and creating more opportunities to turn towards.
  
• When you plan fun and romantic activities together, you are turning towards and creating more opportunities to turn towards.
  
  

Most Impactful Way to Turn Towards

Among all these small acts, one stands out as especially powerful: reconnecting at the end of each day to talk about how it went. This ritual serves as a crucial outlet for stress and helps couples manage external challenges together. To make this time effective, follow these guidelines:

• Choose a good time for both of you
  
• Set aside 20–30 minutes.
  
• Talk only about events and emotions outside the relationship (avoid topics about your relationship during this time).
  
• Listen actively, without judgment or unsolicited advice. Validate and empathize.
  
• Celebrate small wins and happy moments.
  
• Be present during distress venting moments.
  
• Ask follow-up questions to show you care.
  
  

Making the Most of Bids For Connection

• When Our Partner Makes Bids: On one side, we want to become people who are looking out for our partner’s bid for connection.  The more attuned we are to this, the higher chance we will have to turn towards them to emotionally connect in those moments.  This can help strengthen the bond overtime.  When you notice a bid from your partner, show interest, ask questions and seek to meet their emotional bid in those everyday seemingly mundane moments of love.
  
  

• When We Make Bids: On the other side, when we make bids for connection and our partner turns towards us, even in small ways, it is crucial for us to notice that and cherish that.  The more we relish in and appreciate our partner’s attempts at turning towards, the more that adds to our emotional bank account.  Even the mundane positive moments are significant and we don’t want to take them for granted.
  

Common Challenges to Turn Towards

• Misinterpreting Bids Wrapped in Negativity: In tense moments, a bid for connection can come out sounding like a complaint. If a relationship is under strain, these mixed signals can lead to conflict instead of connection. Take this example: Molly says to her husband, Andy, “It would never occur to you to clear the table, would it?” Andy hears only criticism, not the underlying request. He snaps back, “When do YOU ever fill the gas tank?” The moment escalates. What if Andy instead paused noticed the bid for connection underneath her frustration.  She is bidding for connection in wanting Andy’s help.  She just had a moment of weakness and it came out wrong.  If Andy noticed the bid underneath, he might say, “You’re right—sorry,” then cleared the table? That simple act could defuse the tension and reinforce their connection. Similarly, when Andy grumbles that Molly is still working on emails late at night, what he really means is “I miss you—please come to bed.” If Molly hears the plea instead of the frustration, she can respond in a way that fosters closeness. To avoid defensive reactions, pause and take five deep breaths, counting slowly in and out. Then say, “I want to understand you and respond positively to you. What do you need from me right now?” This can change the tone of the conversation and help get to the heart of the matter. If negative comments are a habit in your relationship, read the How to Start a Conflict article.
  
  

• Digital Distractions: In our tech-heavy world, distraction is a constant temptation. Emails, texts, and social media can hijack our attention, creating habits of disengagement. This digital overload makes it harder to notice or respond to each other’s bids for connection. Couples need to be aware of how screens interfere with presence and intimacy. Setting boundaries around device use is essential for protecting your emotional connection.
  
  

Final Thoughts

In relationships, it's rarely the grand, sweeping gestures that define long-term success—it’s the small, consistent moments of connection that matter most. Turning towards your partner, in both obvious and subtle ways, is one of the most powerful yet easily overlooked ways to build and sustain emotional closeness. Each time you respond to a bid for connection—whether it’s a passing comment, a request for help, or an expression of emotion—you make a meaningful deposit into your relationship’s emotional bank account. Over time, these moments accumulate, creating a strong foundation of trust, friendship, and resilience. When we become more mindful of these everyday opportunities to connect—and when we recognize and appreciate our partner’s efforts to do the same—we foster a relationship that feels safe, loving, and deeply connected. Challenges will still come, but a full emotional bank account allows couples to weather those storms with greater empathy and unity. Ultimately, turning towards each other isn’t just a nice idea—it’s a daily practice that strengthens the heart of the relationship, one small act at a time.