When You Can't Decide

Have you ever felt stuck in the middle of a decision, turning it over in your mind without finding any real clarity or confidence about which direction to go? Part of what makes these moments so difficult is the tension between competing values.  Some values pull you in one direction, while others pull you in the opposite direction. All of this internal conflict can leave you feeling stuck. The good news is that following the steps in this article can help you get clarity and confidence on what direction to take. You have likely heard of making a pros and cons list.  This is the 2.0 version of that and most often leaves people feeling ready to make a decision.  Read all of the instructions and follow the steps to process the decision you are facing!
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Step 1 in Getting Off the Fence

If you write out a typical pros and cons list, you may still find yourself stuck and uncertain.  That’s because there are more hidden motivating factors at play that need to be uncovered.  This pros and cons 2.0 will not only help you uncover them, it will help you gain clarity on what direction you want to go and help you build confidence on how you will cope with that decision.  For the first steps in this process, you will write out 4 quadrants on a piece of paper like you see below:

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Step 2 in Getting Off the Fence

Next, you will write out all of the motivating factors in each of those boxes for you.  Think of all of the small, medium and large factors that could go into each box.  As an example, let’s say Amy was in a dating relationship, and something felt off. She wasn't miserable, but she wasn't thriving either. Some days she felt sure it was time to leave; other days, she’d second-guess everything. Look below at the example Amy wrote down:

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Step 3 in Getting Off the Fence

For the next step, you will compare the pros of changing with the cons of changing.  It does not matter if one quadrant has a higher quantity of items in it. That’s because the quadrant with fewer items may hold more weight to you.  So consider how much each of those quadrants means to you based on your values and not anyone else’s.  Circle the box you chose.  Then, do the same thing for the pros of staying the same and the cons of staying the same. As you can see from the example below, Amy felt more strongly about the pros of changing and the cons of having things stay the same, so she highlighted them in purple.

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What if My Choices Contradict?

Sometimes, the two quadrants you circle might seem to directly contradict each other—and that’s completely normal. For example, you might have circled the pros of changing with the pros of staying the same.  Those two quadrants contradict each other.  Or, perhaps you circled the cons of changing and the cons of staying the same.  Those two quadrants also contradict each other.  If that happens, then you will compare the two quadrants that you circled and decide which of those means more to you.  Star that one because as of right now, you are leaning towards moving that direction.

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Preparing to Cope with Your Decision

Now that you have a clearer sense of which direction you're leaning, the next step is to build confidence about actually moving forward.  The way you will do that is by looking at the cons you wrote down for going in the direction that you are currently planning on going.  The reason you are going to look at those is because if you choose to go in this direction, you will have to face those items.  Now would be a great time to mentally prepare for that by thinking how you can prepare for, minimize or cope with each bullet point in that section.  To give you an example of what I mean, let’s look at what Amy would write.  Since Amy was leaning towards ending her relationship, she would look at the “Cons of Changing” section.  Then, she would look at each bullet point and write down how she will cope with them.  Look below at the example:

How I’ll Cope With the Cons of Breaking Up

1. I am worried I’ll be lonely for a while, so I’ll schedule regular time with friends and family, and join a group or class where I can meet new people.
2. I am worried I will hurt my boyfriend, so I’ll approach the conversation with compassion, take responsibility for my feelings, and allow space for their emotions.
3. I’m scared to start over, so I’ll acknowledge that fear is normal and I’ll take small steps to rebuild my confidence and independence

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Final Thoughts

Now that you’ve read the instructions, follow them whenever you are on the fence about something.  Instead of wrestling with it in your head, start now to get more confidence and clarity for the next step.  Many times when you do this, you will jump right into the decision you chose.  At other times, for the bigger decisions, you may need to ponder it for longer.  Even in those situations, this will help you as you continue to process.  It’s time to get off the fence and start making moves!