Fondness and Admiration

In the early days of their relationship, Marcus and Elena felt like they were living inside a love story. They spent hours on long drives, laughed until their sides hurt over board games and late-night snacks, and sent each other thoughtful messages just because. Their connection was full of warmth, curiosity, and affection. But over time—between job changes, parenting demands, and a never-ending to-do list—those lighthearted moments became rare. Conversations became transactional. Frustration simmered beneath the surface. The spark that once felt so natural started to feel like a memory. Though they still loved each other and wanted their relationship to work, the emotional closeness had faded. The very qualities they once admired—his spontaneity, her sensitivity—now often went unnoticed, or even became sources of irritation. Looking back, their early connection seemed like a blur, overshadowed by years of unmet needs and unspoken disappointments. But the truth is, fondness and admiration don’t disappear on their own—they quietly erode when they’re not intentionally nurtured. And the good news? They can absolutely be restored. In fact, rebuilding these qualities is one of the most powerful ways to reconnect and strengthen your bond.
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The Antidote to Contempt
A strong relationship isn’t built on shared interests alone—it’s grounded in mutual appreciation and respect. These emotional habits form the bedrock of enduring connection, and yet they’re easily lost when daily stress and conflict go unchecked. When we stop noticing what’s good in our partner, contempt can begin to creep in. Over time, rolling your eyes, dismissing each other’s thoughts, or responding with sarcasm becomes the norm instead of the exception. That’s why practicing appreciation is one of the best ways to protect your relationship from emotional decay. It’s about making a choice—again and again—to look for what’s good, even when you're frustrated or hurt. If the warmth between you has cooled, it doesn't mean it’s gone for good. Start by looking for the small things: a kind gesture, a thoughtful comment, or even the way your partner interacts with others. Then say it out loud. “I saw how patient you were with the kids today.” “You’ve been working so hard—I really admire that.” “You still take my breath away when you smile.” It’s easy to second-guess yourself or fear it might sound forced—but expressing genuine appreciation isn’t about performance. It’s about retraining your brain to see the full picture. Left to their own devices, our minds fixate on the negative. But when we practice gratitude, we restore emotional balance and open the door to connection, trust, and joy.

Fanning the Flames

Affection and admiration are not luxuries—they’re essential to the health of any relationship. When they fade, it becomes much easier to slip into criticism, defensiveness, or emotional disconnection. But when you hold your partner in positive regard, it creates a buffer against conflict. You’re more likely to assume the best, give the benefit of the doubt, and respond with patience instead of contempt. The good news is, restoring fondness doesn’t require a dramatic overhaul. Sometimes it starts with a shift in focus. Set aside a few minutes to reflect on what first drew you to your partner. What do you admire about who they are today? If those feelings feel distant, don’t panic—this is where intentionality comes in. The simple act of remembering and naming the good can reignite what’s been lost. The exercises that follow are designed to help you do just that. They’ll give you language, structure, and space to rediscover what makes your partner special to you. Whether your relationship feels stuck or strong, these tools can deepen your connection and bring fresh energy to your love story. You can return to them anytime—not just when things are hard. Relationships thrive not just by fixing what’s broken, but by nurturing what’s beautiful.

Exercises to Nurture Fondness and Admiration

The following exercises will help you and your partner fan the flames of fondness and admiration to help restore positive feelings and connections with each other.   Some of these questions are taken from John Gottman's Book 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work which is one of the most impactful and successful marriage books ever written. It is recommended to buy a copy and read through it with your spouse.

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1. Every day, at the beginning and end of the day, pause for 2 minutes and think about every small, medium and large thing you are grateful for your spouse. This can be in regards to who they are, what they've done in the past, what they are doing in the present, how things could be worse if they were a person with more challenging character qualities.
2. Take some time to write down your thoughts about the questions below. Afterward, share your answers with your spouse and enjoy remembering these experiences together.
   • How did your relationship first begin? What do you remember about meeting each other for the first time, and what were your initial impressions?
   • When you first started dating, what stands out in your memory? What kinds of things did you do together, and how did you feel during that time?
   • What qualities or experiences led you to decide that this was the person you wanted to marry?
   • What memories do you have from your wedding day and your honeymoon?
   • Looking back, what were some of the highlights of your first year of marriage? If you have children, what do you remember about the season when you became parents?
   • What moments in your relationship feel like especially joyful or meaningful memories?
   • What challenges have you faced as a couple? What helped you work through those seasons and stay committed to each other?
   • Are there activities or habits you once enjoyed together that you no longer do? Talk about those and consider whether you might want to bring any of them back.
   • What qualities make a great marriage? What things are you doing well? What things can you personally commit to working on to help build the marriage you want?
   • Think about your parents' marriages. How do they compare to yours?
3. Think about all of the qualities and characteristics your partner has that are strengths. Write a letter to them sharing love and appreciation for those things.