Being Assertive

Have you ever experienced moments when you wanted to speak your mind, but out of fear of how the other person might react, you held your true thoughts and feelings inside? Or perhaps you've been upset with someone and ended up reacting impulsively, only to later regret how you handled the situation? These are common struggles many of us face in our daily interactions. The good news is that there’s a way to navigate these challenges with confidence and respect. This article will explore the concept of assertive communication, providing you with practical tools to express your thoughts and feelings constructively—helping you avoid both suppressing your emotions and reacting too harshly.

Different Communication Styles

To better understand how assertive communication can improve your interactions, it's important to first recognize the differences between passive, aggressive, and assertive communication styles:

• Passive communication: Occurs when individuals avoid expressing their thoughts, feelings, or needs altogether, often putting others' needs ahead of their own to avoid conflict.
  
• Aggressive communication: Involves expressing one's thoughts and feelings in a forceful or disrespectful way, disregarding others’ needs and emotions.
  
• Assertive communication: Strikes a balance by allowing individuals to express their thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly and respectfully, while also considering the rights and perspectives of others.
  

By embracing assertiveness, you can communicate in a way that fosters understanding, minimizes misunderstandings, and strengthens relationships.

Tips for Assertive Communication

• Know Your Value: Understand that you are just as important as everyone else.  Your opinions and emotions are just as important as everyone else.  
  
• Be Clear and Direct: State your thoughts and needs clearly. Avoid vague language or beating around the bush. For example, instead of saying, “I wish things could change,” say, “I need to talk about my workload.”
  
• Maintain Open Body Language: Your nonverbal cues are just as important as your words. Maintain eye contact, stand or sit up straight, and avoid crossing your arms to convey openness and confidence.
  
• Practice Active Listening: Show that you value the other person’s perspective by listening attentively. Paraphrase what they’ve said to confirm your understanding, which demonstrates respect and helps foster a constructive conversation.
  
• Stay Calm and Composed: Keep your emotions in check, even if the conversation becomes heated. Take deep breaths, and if necessary, pause before responding to maintain control over your reactions.
  
• Set Boundaries: Be clear about your limits and what you’re willing to accept. For instance, if a colleague frequently interrupts you, you might say, “I’d appreciate it if you could let me finish my thoughts before responding.”
  
• Be Open to Feedback: Encourage dialogue by being open to the other person’s thoughts and feelings. This can lead to a more productive conversation and show that you respect their input.
  
• Practice Saying No: Learning to say no assertively is essential. You can decline requests without feeling guilty by using phrases like, “I appreciate the offer, but I can’t commit to that right now.”
  
• Rehearse: If you’re preparing for a challenging conversation, practice what you want to say. Rehearsing can help you feel more confident and articulate during the actual discussion.
  
• Practice In Easier Moments: If you have fear of asserting yourself.  Start small.  Start with people that are easier asserting yourself with.  Start with situations that are easier to assert yourself with.
  
  

E.A.T. Assertive Technique

E.A.T. is an acronym that you can memorize to help you assert yourself.  It stands for Empathize, Assert and Thank.  Memorizing it can make it easier for you to share your thoughts and feelings and can make it easier for the other person to receive what you have to say.  

• Empathize: Start by showing empathy for the person that you are disagreeing with.  Show them that you can understand that they did what they did, thought what they thought and felt what they felt.  “I can understand that you were busy the other day so may not have noticed that I cleaned the whole house.”
  
• Assert: Share your opinion, boundary or disagreement.  Do it without criticizing, blaming or judging the other person.  Use neutral language.  “I felt undervalued when you did not show appreciation for all of the house cleaning I did the other day.  Would you be willing to try to acknowledge my hard work if you notice it in the future?  I would really appreciate that.”
  
• Thank: Say something you appreciate about the person, your relationship with them or something nice they did for you recently.  “However, I’m so glad I have you and you do so much for me too.  I can try to show more appreciation for you as well.  Thank you for listening.”