How to Overcome Relationship Gridlock

Some issues in relationships do not go away completely.  According to Dr. John Gottman, relationship researcher, 69% of marital issues are perpetual.  Years may go by and couples could still be at odds about the same issue.  For example:

• Meg wants to have a baby, but Donald says he’s not ready yet—and doesn’t know if he ever will be.
  
• Walter wants physical intimacy far more frequently than Dana.
  
• Chris is lax about housework and rarely does his share of the chores until Susan nags him, which makes him angry.
  
• Tony wants to raise their children as Catholics. Jessica is Jewish and wants their children to follow her faith.
  
• Angie thinks Ron is too critical of their son. But Ron thinks he has the right approach: their son has to be taught the proper way to do things.
  

However, despite these differences, these couples can remain satisfied in their marriages because they have learned a way to deal with their unmovable issues so that these issues do not become overwhelming.  These couples intuitively understand that some difficulties are inevitable, much the way a longterm sore knee can be in a person’s life. We may not enjoy having the problems, but we are able to cope by avoiding situations that worsen them and by developing strategies and routines that help ease them.  

What is Gridlock?

When we don’t know how to cope with these perpetual issues, they can cause great distress and deteriorate the joy in the relationship.  Instead of coping with the problem effectively, couples have the same conversation about it over and over again. They spin their wheels, resolving nothing. Because they make no headway, they get increasingly hurt, frustrated and distrustful of each other.  In some cases, emotions and destructive conflict arises surrounding this issue.  You’ll know you’ve reached gridlock if:

• You’ve had the same argument again and again with no resolution.
  
• Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy or affection.
  
• The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on.
  
• Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out—giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values or sense of self.
  
  

Things that Minimize or Maximize Chances of Gridlock

• Minimizing Gridlock Chances: If you are consistently using the other tools in this toolkit and the friendship in your marriage is thriving, you will likely have less instances of gridlock.  
  
• Maximizing Gridlock Chances: If your relationship has unresolved grudges and grievances from the past, that hurt, pain or resentment can increase the chances of gridlocking on future issues.
  
  

What this Tool Can Do

If you are in gridlock, you may feel stuck and deflated because you feel like you haven’t gotten anywhere.  This tool may not make your partner come 100% to your side or vice versa.  That means that if there are core fundamental values or personality traits you differ in, those will not go away.  However, with the following steps, you can begin to talk about it constructively, understand each other with more empathy, make some headway in compromising and learn to better accept any aspects that may be perpetual surrounding this issue.  Next, let’s look at the importance of uncovering underlying dreams beneath the surface of your position and your partner’s position.  That will be a major key in beginning to move forward.

Uncovering Underlying Dreams: The Secret to Overcome Gridlock

In order to navigate your way out of gridlock, you have to uncover the underlying dreams each of you has beneath your position on the issue at hand. While you’re stuck in gridlock, your partner either isn’t aware of these dreams, hasn’t acknowledged them, or doesn’t respect them. These dreams are your hopes, aspirations, and wishes that are part of your identity and give purpose and meaning to your life. According to Dr. John Gottman, one of the main reasons conflicts become gridlocked is because couples are fighting over surface issues without realizing that deeper, often unspoken, values and dreams are fueling the disagreement. Until those underlying dreams are heard, honored, and understood, couples will keep having the same conversation over and over, feeling hurt, frustrated, and emotionally distant.  For example, on the surface you may be arguing about the budget, and you may be gridlocked thinking your partner has no good reason for their position. However, underneath the desire to save money may be a dream for a life of security motivated by growing up in the angst of poverty. Or, beneath the desire to spend money could be a dream to enjoy every moment and live life to the fullest since tomorrow is never guaranteed. When you discover and discuss these deeper meanings, the conflict softens, empathy grows, and compromise becomes possible because you’re no longer battling over a position — you’re understanding the heart behind it.  Also, at times, as you discover the underlying dream, you may be able to find creative ways of satisfying those desires outside of the gridlocked topic.  Below are some sample questions to help uncover your dream or your partner’s dream:

• Do you have any core beliefs, ethics or values that are part of your position on this issue?
  
• Is there a story behind this for you? Or does it relate to your background or childhood in some way?
  
• Tell me why this is so important to you.
  
• What feelings do you have about this issue?
  
• What would be your ideal dream here?
  
• Is there a deeper purpose or goal in this for you?
  
• What do you wish for?
  
• What do you need?
  
• Is there a fear or disaster scenario that comes from not having this dream honored?
  
  

Working on a Gridlocked Marital Issue

Before proceeding, it is good to go in with the mindset that working on these issues can take time. Sometimes the problems can seem to worsen at first before they get better.  But be patient.  Acknowledging and advocating for your dreams is not easy.  Below are steps you can take to navigate through a gridlocked issue.

1.) Explore the Dreams

To get started, choose a gridlocked conflict to work on.  Then, write an explanation of your position.  Don’t criticize or blame your spouse.  Instead, focus on what each partner needs, wants and is feeling about the situation.  Next, write the story of the hidden dreams that underlie your position by answering yourself the questions above. Explain where your dreams come from and why they are so meaningful to you.  Write it out as if you were talking to a good friend or neutral party. Once you both understand which dreams are fueling the gridlock, it’s time to talk about them.  Each person gets fifteen minutes as the speaker and fifteen minutes as the listener. Do not try to solve this problem. Attempting to do that now is likely to backfire. Your goal is to simply understand why each of you feels so strongly about the issue. Talk only about your feelings and needs; this is not the time to criticize or argue with your partner. When you are the one listening to your partner, suspend judgment. Don’t take your spouses dream personally even though it clashes with one of yours. Don’t spend your time thinking up rebuttals or ways to solve the problem. Your role now is just to hear the dream and to encourage your spouse to explore it.  You can even ask your spouse some of the questions above to help them articulate their underlying dreams.  If you can, tell your partner that you support their dream. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you believe the dream can or should be realized.  However, it is good to empathize with their dream and seek to learn more about it.  Then, as you progress through this issue, you can try to open up to find ways to enable them realizing their dream.

2.) Soothe

Discussing dreams that are in opposition can be stressful.  Pay attention to how you are each reacting to the conversation.  Alert your partner if you feel signs of stress (for example, your heart starts to pound). Remember that if you feel mentally and emotionally flooded, the conversation will go no where if you try to push through.  So be sure to use repairs if either of you becomes upset.  If flooding does occur, stop for at least twenty minutes and spend the time in any activity that calms you down.  

3.) Reach a Temporary Compromise

Now it’s time to begin the ongoing task of making peace with this issue, accepting the differences between you, and establishing some kind of initial compromise that will help you continue to discuss the problem amicably.  Understand that your purpose is not to solve the conflict, it will probably never go away completely.  Instead, the goal is to defang the issue, to try to remove the hurt so that the problem stops being a source of great pain.  The way you start this process is by using the following exercise. You define the minimal core areas that you cannot yield on. To do this, you need to look deep into your heart and try to separate the issue into two categories:

• Nonnegotiable areas: These are the aspects of the conflict that you absolutely cannot give on without violating your basic needs or core values.
  
• Areas of flexibility: This category includes all parts of the issue where you can be flexible, because they are not so ”hot” for you. Try to make this category as large as possible and the first one as small as possible.  
  

Share your two lists with your spouse. Working together to come up with a temporary compromise. Try it for about two months, and then review where you stand.  Don’t expect this to solve the problem, only to help you both live with it more peacefully.

4.) Say “Thank You”

It may take more than one session to overcome gridlock on issues that have been deeply troubling to your marriage. These sessions can be stressful, no matter how diligently you attempt to accept each other’s viewpoint without judgment. The goal here is to recreate the spirit of thanksgiving, in which you count your blessings and look inward to express gratitude for all you have. This may be particularly difficult to do after talking about gridlocked marital conflict, but that’s all the more reason to make the effort.  To be sure you end on a positive note, offer your partner three specific thank-yous.

Final Thoughts

Follow these four steps, and you’ll be able to move out of gridlock on your perpetual problems.  Be patient with the process and each other.  By their very nature, these problems are tenacious.  To loosen their grip on your marriage will take commitment and faith on both your parts. You’ll know you’re making progress when the issue in question feels less loaded to you both; when you can discuss it with your sense of humor intact, and it no longer looms so large that it crowds out the love and joy in your relationship.